#LettertoToni #ToniMorrison #Paradise #TheBluestEye #Jazz #TheBlackBook #Beloved #SongofSolomon #Sula #GodBlesstheChild #authorCrystalRenee #EmersonCollege
I was a senior in high school when I met her for the first time. Her words invited me into the lives and friendships of her characters Sula and Nell. Being 17 and unfamiliar of the literary beauty and depth of her perfect arrangement of setting, dialogue, and plot layers went completely over my head. I strived to be an author too but, my naive innocence was only familiar with Judy Blume and trashy romance novels. Reading and studying the story of Sula and Nell were too advanced for me at an age when boys and going to college was all I cared about.
The second time, I actually met her was in person. Unfortunately, I had no clue I'd grow into loving her as a college student majoring in English. African American literature was a genre that wasn't officially introduced to me as a field that I could study. When I was 18 and not yet an AKA like her, I went to her book signing for Paradise (my favorite novel by her) with my mentor.
I had no clue that this would be a landmark day in my life. A day I still wish I had taken a advantage of but, I didn’t know any better. I wasn’t a literary scholar in 1997, just a college sophomore studying English and Creative Writing hoping to be an AKA instead of becioming an author.
She sat a table in the huge bookstore smiling and cheerful as she signed books for what seemed like an endless line of fans. Fans that stared at her with excitement and hope to be remembered by the first African American woman to win a Pulitzer Prize in Literature. Bashfully, I smiled and said hello as she signed a book my mentor bought for me that I knew nothing about. It wasn’t until I graduated in 2000 that I read and fell in love with her perfect words on paper. The things she did with her characters, the images she showed, and the emotions erricted was like seeing the God designed love of my life. I fell in love hard with her and seeing the art of Creative Writing.
As I got older and became an expert in the art of Creative Writing, my writing got deeper and better because I began to imitate her while enrolled in a Toni Morrison Literature seminar at Emerson College while pursuing my Master’s in Fine Arts in 2001. I learned about her non-fiction pieces, The Black Book (my fav), Playing in the Dark: Whiteness and the Literary Imagination, and her countless essays. As I wrote my thesis, two years later, I prayed that Mrs. Morrison and I meet again, and she would critique my fiction and share her writing techniques and routines after I became published.
At age 23, I desired to meet her again so badly, I just knew I'd get the opportunity to sit and speak with her again as a woman and her sorority sister. But, on August 5, 2019 my big brother called me with the worst dream deteriorating news that I was not ready to hear or accept, "Toni Morrison died last night," my brother said with sadness in his voice.
Then my cousin called me and confirmed what my brother said. That entire day my phone rang and binged with calls and texted messages about the passing of one of the greatest contemporary writers. My Facebook was filled with posts of concerns about how I was doing. Everyone knew how much I loved Toni Morrison. I was stuck, full of shock and disappointment. I wasn't going to cry! It wasn't like she was a person I knew personally nor who knew me at all. Despite how hard I tried to stop the tears from flowing, they still misted my cheeks for a week or so. I mourned her life with my tears and I cried tears of anger for myself because, I hadn’t finished any manuscript for her to read. I missed my chance to be great like her. I was 40 years old with no books published and no Toni Morrison to ever meet again.
My heart was broken until a good friend consoled me with his words, "Crystal, as I read an article about Toni Morrison last night, I learned she didn't publish her first book, The Bluest Eyes, until she was 40."
I couldn't believe it! I'd been studying and researching Toni Morrison for 20 years, from high school, through grad school, then adulthood. I couldn't believe this was the first time I learned she wasn’t published until she was the same age as me. There truly is a purpose to everything and learning this information stopped my tears and pushed me into finish writing my memoir. A sense of relief and excitement replaced the pain I'd been harvesting since I learned about her death. I STILL could be like her!!!
Although she isn't here in the physical, her books, interviews, and words will last for eternity, just like my love and admiration for her will. Soror Toni, you are my shero and I will continue to study you, read your words, and teach about you until we meet again.
Rest in peace, soror.
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